I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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