so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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