I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
