Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
