STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
