Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
