To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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