You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
