That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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