mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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