I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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