Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
