I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
