last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
