she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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