Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
