she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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