don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
