The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Please don't give away my fajitas
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
