I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
