Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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