When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
