Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Alive.
So much puke
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
