woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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