the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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