sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
