Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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