I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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