Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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