I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
