elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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