The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Apparently you make a good broom.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize