Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
