oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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