I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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