The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
