dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
