I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
