o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Bring me that man meat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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