there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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