The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
