Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize