I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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