Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
