I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
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