My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I need moral support for this bender
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
