would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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