I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
