The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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