he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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