Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
