i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize