when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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