When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
