My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sober January is a disaster.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
