I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
