bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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