every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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