I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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