hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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