There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
