Everything about him screamed your future.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
