I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there was a trapeze. enough said
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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