I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
