first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
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