So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The struggles of a small town man whore
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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