awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
