I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
