that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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